As most people are these days, I am spending day in and day out trying to find myself. Trying to find what it is that I can live with everyday, trying to find HOW I can live every day. I am not a fan of the 9-5 5 day a week life. Most people are not, I understand that. Everybody wants to find enlightenment, and a meaning out of their life, something that will make it all worthwhile. Some find that rather quickly in life, some don't find it until they are on their death bed, and some don't find it at all, because they quit searching. I can't quit searching. Sometimes I try, I give up and I try to give in to the 9-5 life style because... that's just what they want to program us to do. And this isn't some blog that is going to bash the government or technology or this generation, but it is a true comment. We go to school at the same time for 13 years of our life...then we graduate and some go to college for another few years and some find a job right away, a job that we have to work the rest of our lives... we literally waste time away. But it's great if you really love the fact that you spent thousands of dollars to go to school to learn how to work a job on a computer, and then you work that job on that computer to payoff.... the school loan, the new car loan, the house, doctors bills, credit card bills...don't forget food, clothes, phone bill, heating/cooling, water... taxes. But why. I understand completely that as humans we need to evolve, and in order to thrive we need to evolve, so and and so forth. But my question is, is why do we have to be consumed by it? Why are we so easily consumed by the fact that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West just had their one year wedding anniversary? Or that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez were seen at Bible study together? If those people were normal people living in Georgia, let's even keep them filthy rich but they weren't singers or actors or rapers or fashion designers, nobody knew their name, nobody would care what was going on in their lives. Just because they are... for some reason in the public eye makes them that much more important than your next door neighbor? And I'm not waving my finger at anybody I am a victim of this myself. I spent much of my life very into their lives, following their moves I knew what they were eating for dinner yesterday.. but it just gets to a point, at least for me... to ask myself, why? There is a fight going in inside of me. A part of me wants to be a Kim Kardashian, known all over the world for how fabulous I am, what great fashion and make up sense I have, and for my amazing body that I worked hard for. If people are going to hate me, I want them to hate me because they can't be me. Another part of me wants to be a Sadie Robertson. A sweet, spiritual girl who just loves the simple things in life. You can sense her light and love of life just through her book and her social media. She is they kind of star that can change the world for the better, she can get hated on, but she will spread LOVE back. I have a fire inside of me that can burn forever... I can get fiesty and angry at the littlest things...if I see somebody trying to change their life I get upset and annoyed. If I sense that somebody doesn't like, it ruins my day..That is not someone who I am content being with. It drains me physically and emotionally. Mostly because there is a light inside of me FIGHTING to break free. The light that loves the simple things.. that just wants to see the world through different glasses. See the beauty in everything. Love everything and everyone whole heartedly until I feel like my heart will explode. And on those occasions, like tonight...when that light peaks out... I fee like I am soaring above the clouds, I am so calm, and happy.. and everything makes sense.. the fire inside of me calms down as it rationalizes everything... And I want to fight to keep that light alive for more than a few days. That is what I want out of life. In order to keep that light alive...I am training myself to see beauty, be beauty, radiate beauty... love, be loved, spread love, and joy and smiles and happiness. That is the kind of impact I want to put out into the world. Because there are more than enough Kardashians... even though I will always love them...I want to be a Vanesa. and just a Vanesa. Anything I have ever wanted to do in my life... I knew one thing that I wanted of it...and that is to be a light in somebody's life. To be a light that made their day better, that helped them push through one more day, that helped them live another day, or just smile when they were having a rough day. I have a need to help others in some way, some how.That is my goal to accomplish with this blog. I want it to be me, whole heartedly, I want to write things that are of interest to me, that I feel in my heart that day. And some days... it's going to be spiritual and thoughtful.. and some days it's going to be... probably about make up. but we will see where it goes. All I know.. is that I want it to lead towards simplicity. Inside myself, and inside each and every one of you. For one main reason. You will never love yourself, you will never love others.. and you will never be okay with your life until your light inside of you is lit brighter than the sun.. and it will never go away.
So I hope you take this journey with me... and we will see where it takes us.
Thank you for reading.
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