Social Anxiety/Battle Social Anxiety/ Love Yourself

It's an awful feeling when you're suffocating inside of your own body. It's scary, it's angering,it's depressing... you're literally fighting with yourself every day of your life. It took a  long, LONG fight for me to get to the point where I am in life.. There were days that I couldn't force myself out of bed if somebody offered me the world. What was the point of getting out of bed, I'm alone in it and I'll be alone  out of it. I used to constantly try to understand why people supposedly didn't like me. Why sooo many people had friends, yet I was completely alone. Nobody liked my posts on facebook or commented on anything.. Social anxiety is all in your mind. And your mind is the hardest thing to fight. Social anxiety plays on paranoia. Paranoia says that everybody you see laughing is laughing at you... everyone you see whispering is whispering about you, every facebook status is about you, everybody is talking about what a fool you made of yourself. It's all about you all the time, but in the worst way possible. Because of that constant paranoia, you can't really get up with a smile on your face everyday and be happy. It turns into depression, or bipolar disorder... it just gets worse and worse and worse until you just can't fight it any more. And people don't understand that. "Just get over it." "Just stop caring!" "It's not all about you all the time!"
My personal problem is, is that some days...I DON'T care! Some days I can go about my life and tell that paranoia to shut the eff up, I'm going to live my life. Then there are days where I cannot for the life of me calm down enough to breathe and think logically about the situation I'm in, like calling in and ordering for a pizza instead of ordering online, or going to wal-mart by myself! In all realities, it's not a big deal, but for me, it's like the end of the world.. I feel like everybody is judging me up and down. I can't handle that. I'm insanely jealous of the people who have all of that self confidence and the things that people say or what people think couldn't scratch them one bit. I strive to be like that. Looking back on life, I have missed so many great opportunities, lost so many great friends because.. I didn't want to speak up because I didn't want to look like a fool. I do, I honestly regret so much of my life because of my social anxiety. I know that there is nothing I can do to change the way I lived my life, but I can change the future, and so can you.
As I said, your mind is the best bully/warrior in the entire universe. It can literally eat you up from the inside out... and the only way to fight it is by using your mind. The way to overcome anxiety is by training your mind, fight fire with fire. Every bad thought you get, you really do need counteract it with a good one. "I can't go say hi to that person what if they don't remember, I'll look like an idiot!" counteract that with "I'm going to go say hi to that person and if they don't remember I'll remind them, and if they still don't remember me then oh well!" Truth be told, they're going to feel much worse about not remembering you than they will about you saying hi. I'm such a shy, quiet little thing... and the funny thing is, is that once people get to know me,, they wouldn't believe that one bit. But like I said, I have my days... thankfully a lot less, but when I do get them, they are BAD.. and it takes days, weeks to fight through it. I cry, I scream, I hit, I lock myself in and nobody, absolutely nobody can get me out but myself. And that's the thing with mental illnesses is that, people say that nobody helps... I think people do try to help, but what can they do to your mind? It's all totally up to you. It brings me back to my post a few days ago, you have to be your own inspiration, your own hero. Nobody is going to ever know you like you know yourself and nobody will ever love you like you love yourself. Before you go off chasing happiness, or a boyfriend, or something new.. the first thing I suggest you take time to love yourself just for who you are.  Do the things that make you happy, fight to do the things that make you happy because sometimes your mind might not let you, but do them anyway. I'm nothing but a small twig of a person, I hate how small I am, I want some curves, some muscle, and some fat, I hate the size of my nose, it's too large in proportion to my face. My stomach is large, I have the smallest mouth and I hate how my hair falls. I'm so self concious about my skinny little fingers it's hillarious. I let all of those things define me before. Every day it would constantly be me focusing on the things I don't like. But the saying is true is that there is nobody else in the world out there like you. Nobody else with your same features, and if you're a twin... nobody else with your same personality. No matter what each and every one of us is so unique... nobody could EVER be you. And trust me, there are people out in the world who strive to be like you, there will be somebody who meets you who strives to be like you! But just.. the most important thing when you decide you want to get on the road to fighting social anxiety, is loving yourself, loving every little cell that makes you, you. We are incredible creatures who were created in such an incredible way, which I will write about in a future post, why are we wasting our time doubting ourselves, making our selves miserable, drinking our existance away instead of seeing as much as we can of this wonderful amazing planet that is just a smidget of this vast universe that we are apart of???
If you feel alone, you're NOT alone, I'm going through it, many, many other people are going through it. If you need to talk, I'm here, a complete stranger with absolutely no judgement towards you or your life what so ever. If you need tips on how to even start loving yourself.. ask, or I can do a post about that. I'm not a therapist or psychiatrist, I'm not saying you should come to me for professional help. I'm just a girl who is going through this day by day. I'm just a girl who is trying to change or save somebody's life. I'm just a girl trying to find herself in this world. I'm just a girl who wants to make a little bit more out of this thing called life. But I've went through things, and I'm still going through things, and let me tell you it's a hell of a lot easier to go through things when you can talk to somebody about it. Talk to anybody, write a diary, just let it out.. don't let it consume you until it's too late.

Remember;

"Broken crayons still color."

"Decide this minute to never again beg anyone for the  love, respect, and attention that you should be showing yourself."